Zombie Apocalypse Survival (2012): The Clothes
Well, with the end of the world a mere 2 months away we thought it might be the perfect time to give you an update (with a few of the same items as before… because, quite frankly, they’re still the best). After all… we really have no clue what those crazy Mayans foresaw. Zombie Apocalypse, Switching of the Earth’s poles, Rapture, Snowman Apocalypse, World-wide power outage or maybe it will be the Spice Girls reunion tour… whatever it is, we’re going to do our damnest to make sure you are geared up and ready to tackle them all!!!
Starting with: the Clothes. While putting on something light, movable and easy to pack is a no-brainer… what do you do when you are almost certain you’re going mano y mano with someone for the last can of beans (or so you’re not the next meal)? We wouldn’t be the WGUB if we didn’t get, and test, the best-of-the-best in survival gear! Sidenote – While we are making sure you’re outfitted with the ultimate in survival gear… assuming you have the foresight to prepare… everything below will, of course, be free if you have a crowbar and a few B&E skills after the world has gone to shit. Most everything we’re mentioning can be found in your local Army Surplus store or Sporting Goods shopapalooza.
The head… while its rare to sport the perfect dome to go hairless, let’s be honest… surviving an apocalypse isn’t exactly a fashion show. Buzz that hair off!!! Soap and running water will become a rarity pretty soon… luscious locks will get tangled between bony Zombie fingers… and the bugs will be out in force without the Orkin man around! However, if you still can’t do it or need something for the cooler weather… then here are a couple of pretty neat alternatives. #1 – CTR Choas Adrenaline Multi Tasker Pro ($29) designed to keep you cool and protected against the elements with great breath-ability. Ideal for layering under a helmet or by itself (also gives you the element of anonymity if you don’t want people to know who’s out playing ninja) #2 – Buff Headwear ($Various). A bitchen variety of face, neck & head covers depending on your location. With a ton of options for hot weather, cold weather, under-helmet and just all-around lookin’ badass. With built-in UV coverage this is protection personified. Perk… you get to keep that last-man-on-earth desperado look intact. #3 – Ball-cap (Whatever) the main reason for head-gear is to keep your luscious locks out of your face and sweat out of your eye… if all you really need is an old-school trucker cap then so-be-it. But keep in mind that anything the evil undead can grab (ie. the bill of your hat) they will!!!
Your Face! Let’s be real… its pretty likely that the spread of a human ending plague is from either a bite or some goulie’s yummy juices ending up in your face or open wound. Yeah, its gross… but a necessary conversation to have! That being said… you really need to cover up all of those holes on your face if you’re slicing n’ dicing your way through a crowd of zambinos. Hell… maybe it went from 98 & balmy to -5 & snowing and you need to keep your eyes from freezing out of your head. Here are a couple of cool options.
#1 – Zeal Optics Z3 GPS ($550). We choose the Z3 above all others not just because they’re AMAZING goggles (anti-fog, UV, Impact resistant, Polarized, etc.) but also because they have built-in GPS and 16:9 on-screen specs (temp, altitude and way more). Assuming the power isn’t out (or you picked up a solar-charger like we recommended) then these will help you keep track of your location, while protecting that sexy face of yours!!! #2 – Oakley Airbrake Snow ($250) Keep those infected juices out of your eyes (the window to your soul) with these anti-fog pieces of optical badassery. Moisture wicking and anti-fog these are a great option not only because of how light and hi-tech they are… but also because they have a super-quick and easy option to change lenses (called their Switchlock technology). From tinted to High Intensity yellow… you can see clearly and stay protected with ease.
Okay… now the all of the super delicates are covered. Let’s talk about your body. A superior under-armor used by the pro’s behind motor-cross (and easily found at any sports bike shop) is the SixSixOne EVO Pressure Suit Body Armor ($200).With eight different protective pads covering your special places, including an advanced spine protector (in case of falls), large chest plates, hi-tech Lycra Spandex for breathable movement and all with highly movable lightweight materials… this intense hand-to-hand combat armor is perfect for keeping you protected and intact! (Think Batman without all the money). Of course any good armor will have straps that those bastards can grab hold of, so you need an additional layer. The Massif Army Combat Shirt ($170) is the perfect cover. Lightweight and versatile, this ultra-light, flame-resistant top will keep you moving in every way you need!
Something else to keep in mind while wielding your preferred weapons of mass destruction (I almost said murder… but hey, if they’re zombies that thing is already dead) is your hands! Absolutely one of the most important tools you have left. You need to keep them warm, but not too hot… movable, but not exposed… and armored, but not bulky. For this we found the Oakley Factory Pilot Glove ($70). Leather Palm with unobtanium grips on the fingers for a tight hold, Carbon Fiber Knuckle Plating for punching your way free of a death-grip & Airprene four-way stretch joint for flexibility.
Legs. Fighting is always important… but we also have to recognize when to run away! To keep your legs safe and sound we found Tru-Spec XFIRE Tactical Pants ($100). We recommend Flash pants over your typical tactical gear because you never know when you may need to douse the ground with a little gasoline behind you and light’er up as a barrier to gain a little extra distance. It’s the apocalypse people… nobody is going to fight fair! And wear a belt for god sakes. Yes, the fashion police are all dead, but you still need to hold your damn pants up. Do you really want to try to outrun a hoard of brain-munching monsters with your pants falling down? NO!!! I’d rather you feel like Urkel, and live… than bust a sag and be fodder for legions of the undead.
Finally… the Boots! We say boots instead of shoes because you want something that will kick the literal shit out of anyone (ie. steel toed), cover your ankles from those surprise crawlers you didn’t hear or see and wrap up your little piggies that work their hardest to keep your fat ass from sitting still for too long. For this we found the Striker™ II GTX® Side-Zip Non-Metallic Toe ($210). All of the extreme function of a high-end military boot with the everyday use needed to get the hell out of Dodge! The strength of a steel-toe without the weight and heat/cold transfer that actual steel brings, water-proof, oil and slip resistant sole, only 58 oz to keep you from getting tired faster and a side zipper to quickly and easily get on the move… these boots are not only bad-ass, but functional as hell and ready to stomp in some undead heads!!! If it’s good enough for special forces, it’s good enough for the last special force on Earth… you!
Yeah, this might seem like a bit much… but at the end of the day, when you’re kicking ass and taking a body count later (all while keeping your family safe) you can remember back and think “Damn, those WGUB guys were pretty cool to do all that work for us. I wonder if they ever made it or if they became a lunchable for some raging loony”. Well WGUB buddy… the answer is that we’re probably dead, or maybe un-dead. We’re glad we helped, but sadly we didn’t listen to our own advice.
For our entire WhiteGlossApocalypse Survival Series… check it out HERE.